A Trigun Christmas Carol
by Pacce
Summary: Vash learns the TRUE meaning of Christmas, wackiness ensues. Spoilers for Vash having an Evil Twin brother, oops!


A Trigun Christmas Carol  
by ChibiMan  
Rated Pg-13 for Language and a scene of Dismembermant  
What else do you want from me? Read the bloody thing.  
  
  
Vash walked in a tight circle in front of the huge double doors. He silently berated himself for his hesitations. He'd been in many more dangerous situations than this one and yet this time he feared he would be lost in this place. Finally, Vash donned his groovy sunglasses, checked to see his gun was loaded, and entered the "Mall of the Planet". He was confronted with blaringly loud Christmas music over the loudspeaker. Everywhere he looked there were decorations and the word "sale" was in all directions. Vash knew this was just a distraction to his true goal. The legendary gunman narrowed his vision so that he could only see one sign, the one that point the way to his eternal bliss. "Come Visit Santa, First Floor Plaza."   
  
Vash ran in search of this plaza but only had to come two feet until he was at the end of a line of shrieking kids and their parents, all of whom seemed curious about Vash's age and apparent lack of child. Vash remained undaunted as the line slowly progressed and after six hours the last kid in front of him was being chucked off Santa's lap.  
  
"So what would you like for Christmas, um, little boy?" Santa jollily asked.   
  
"Well," began Vash as he leapt into Santa's lap, knocking the wind out of him. "First of all I'd like to say what a huge fan I am of yours. The whole "going about the planet spreading love and peace" thing, I really respect that."  
  
"Why, thank you," said jolly ol' Saint Nick as he chucked out a "Ho, ho ho." "Even though I do this every year very few people actually thank me, I appreciate it. So now, what is it that you want?"  
  
"Alrighty Santa," Vash cleared his throat and pulled out his list. "I would like a dozen or so new pairs of my sunglasses since they have a tendency to get smashed, lots of hair gel, about thirty first-aid kits, batteries for my Walk-Man, a tape of "Midvalley Plays His Hits Which Don't Kill People", and a change of clothes so I can wash this coat every once in awhile. It's really starting to stink."   
  
"As you wish," said Santa dropping the jolly voice and gaining something of a British accent. "Vash the Stampede." It was then that Vash noticed the golden glint in "Santa's" eye, the blue hair covering this eye, and the fact that he had either been eating a hot dog or playing with his left arm the whole time Vash had been talking.  
  
"You're not Santa," Vash shouted. "You're Legato, my arch nemesis!! And I'm still sitting in your lap!" Vash quickly jumped off and ran to the other side of the room. "I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner, you didn't even disguise yourself that well. You just put on the hat and a fake beard."   
  
"I'm surprised the spikes protruding from my shoulder didn't give me away," Legato said smiling a smile deeper than darkness. "Also, I'm not going to give you any of the gifts you requested. I'm doing this to show you the true pain in living. Now, if you'll look around I'm sure you'll notice a few other things out of place."   
  
Vash looked around quickly and saw the elf clad in pink that was playing jingle bells on his saxophone was actually Midvalley the Hornfreak. "Santa's Wife" was actually Dominique the Cyclops. The Christmas tree was actually Grey the Nine Lives, painted green, just standing there with ornaments hung off of him and one of those ornaments was E.G. Mine. The train encircling the tree was actually Hoppard the Gauntlet. The kid that just got off Santa's lap was Zazie the Beast, smirking wickedly. The rest of the crowd at the mall had strings on them leading to Leonof the Puppet Master, who was sitting in the rafters. "But wait there's more," Legato yelled as he opened a nearby door letting in Monev the Gale and Rai-Dei the Blade.   
  
"All the good costumes were taken," said Monev sadly.  
  
"Then there's me," said a woman in the crowd whom lacked strings. "She" then pulled off the boring outfit in one fluid motion and put on a crazy beret and grabbing a large suitcase looking thing. "Elendira the Crimsonnail!"   
  
"Um," Vash said staring in confusion. "Have we met?"  
  
"What!?" Elendira shouted in anger. "Wait a minute. . ." He then glanced at Legato still standing and coffin-less. "This is an anime fan fic! Screw this, I'm going shopping then. I can't take looking at Midvalley drawn like this!" He then walked away in a huff muttering "Fuckin' anime with all it's poorly drawn shit…" Everyone continued to stare for few more minutes then snapped back to business.   
  
"And don't forget me," said a reindeer behind Vash. "Dear brother." The deer stood up and drew a gun revealing itself to actually be Knives in a rather convincing deer costume.  
  
"I can't believe I missed all this," Vash said in disbelief. "I mean I was standing here for hours. Wait, Legato must have been using his powers to block my vision."   
  
"Sure," said Knives condescendingly. "Just keep telling yourself that. Now, surround him!"   
  
"How," Vash said as he looked around in a panic. "How did you infiltrate Santa's syndicate?"   
  
"You were sold out, dear brother," said Knives as he pointed behind Vash. Vash spun around to see Santa Clause standing next to Legato smirking. "Meet the newest Gung-ho Gun, Kringle the Jelly Belly!"   
  
"You have been very naughty this year," said Santa wickedly. "But I have a present for you anyway." Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a shotgun. "A one way ticket to hell!"   
  
Vash began to look afraid, he knew this was it. It would take a miracle to save him now. "MERRY CHRISTMAS VASH THE STAMPEDE!!" A Voice yelled from above. Everyone looked up just in time to see Nicholas D. Wolfwood smash through the skylight with his huge Cross Gun unwrapped and ready for action. He began to fire and rapidly decimated Leonof's puppets. He landed on the floor with a sickening crack, and grabbing his leg in pain as the cross skidded across the floor.   
  
"Wolfwood," Vash shouted happily. "What are you doing here? Did that hurt?"  
  
"I told you it was bad idea to come to the mall today," Wolfwood said as he grimaced in pain. "And yes, this hurts like hell. Where's my cross?"  
  
"Hah," laughed Knives as he held his foot over Wolfwood's cross. "Did you two really think you can defeat all of the Gung-ho Guns at once?"  
  
Legato then stepped forward and did the uncomfortable "look cool leaning back" thing. "KILL THEM!" He shouted viciously, then glancing at the snarl on Knives' face he then quickly stammered new orders. "I mean, uh, kill Wolfwood and beat the shit out of Vash."   
  
"Better," said Knives nodding approvingly.  
  
The Gung-ho Guns began to converge on the injured Wolfwood and Vash with his gun drawn. "Jeez, Wolfwood," Vash said angrily at Wolfwood. "Was this your whole plan. You just jump down three stories firing your gun wildly."   
  
"Well," said Wolfwood as he lit a cigarette mournfully. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."  
  
"Did you think of what would happen if you didn't get them all before you smacked into the ground and broke your leg."   
  
"Hey, I don't think that far ahead!!"  
  
"Well now we're going to be smashed to pieces by a bunch of maniacs, because you're too stupid to think ahead!!!"   
  
"THAT DOES IT," shouted Wolfwood as he jumped up and grabbed Vash's gun. He then quickly turned and fired all six bullets at Vash, who narrowly dodged.   
  
Both of them then heard a cracking sound and turned around to see a large pet shop window with six holes in the glass and above the glass a sign that read: CAUTION: DANGEROUS ANIMALS CONTAINED WITHIN. DO NOT TAP ON OR SHOOT THE GLASS . . . then it shattered. Everyone jumped back, waiting for a horrible beast to emerge the darkened pet shop. A form stirred and then a fuzzy white rabbit hopped on to the main floor.  
  
"That's it!?" Shouted Legato at Wolfwood. "I almost went in my Santa outfit because of you!"  
  
"E.G. Mine go impale the silly thing," shouted Knives.  
  
E.G. Mine walked over to the rabbit and prepared to launch his spike at the puffball when it suddenly leapt forward, bounced off his chest and landed back on the ground, its mouth stained with blood. E.G. Mine looked down to discover he was now missing half his right arm.   
  
"RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Knives shouted at the top of his lungs and the Gung-ho Guns quickly began to make a hasty escape.   
  
"Oh, Aye, it's just a littl' bunny rabbit," Wolfwood laughed as E.G. Mine hurried to catch up with the others.   
  
"Guys, come on," shouted E.G. Mine as he ran with the rabbit close on his heels. "It's only a flesh wound!"  
  
As Santa attempted to make his escape he was tripped by a small black cat, which also emerged, from the pet shop.   
  
"Going somewhere tubby?" asked Wolfwood with a malicious grin. Vash on the other hand, didn't look amused at all.   
  
"Tell me why," Vash shouted looking near enraged as he began to shake Santa. "Why would you do this? You're supposed to be giving gifts to those children who need them, so why are you betraying them!? Why!?"  
  
"Look kid," said Santa developing a New Jersey accent. "I'm just a mall Santa, I only have a job during one part of the year, and these guys promised me money if I let the creepy blue haired guy ambush you."  
  
"Mall Santa?" Vash said questioningly letting the man go. "Where's the real Santa then?"  
  
"You mean you don't know," Wolfwood said in disbelief. "There is no real Santa. He's just a story they tell kids to bribe them into being good for a month. I'm sorry."   
  
"No. . . . . .real. . . . . .Santa?" Vash said with tears welling up in his eyes. "Santa" saw this as a good opportunity to sneak away. "B-but what ab-bout the kids whose parents have n-no money?"  
  
"They, uh, don't get gifts," Wolfwood said looking sadly at his friend. Vash then began to bawl. Wolfwood held Vash as he wept for an ideology of another man doing indiscriminate good was destroyed.  
  
Legato looked through the shattered skylight with an evil grin on his face. "Are you actually crying, Vash the Stampede? That's wonderful, truly wonderful." Knives then slapped Legato in the back of the head.   
  
"Yeah, great, we caused my brother great pain and suffering," Knives yelled at Legato. "Whatever! We need to go! That damn bunny is still after us! Oh my god! It's right behind us!!!"  
  
Knives ran as the rabbit jumped into Legato's coat. All the Gung-ho Guns ran while Legato kept slapping at his coat as he ran screaming into the sunset.   
  
The End  
Oh yeah, I don't own Trigun or its people. Just chukin' that out there. Oh and, uh, *clears throat* MERRY CHRISTMAS (or whatever) TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! 


End file.
